


The Cucumber Incident (AKA 'Why Cassandra Cannot Be Trusted With Grocery Shopping')

by knightcommanderalenko



Series: The Accidental OTP: A Saints Row AU [10]
Category: Saints Row
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cucumbers, F/M, Innuendo, Texting, The Accidental OTP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 19:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6870676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightcommanderalenko/pseuds/knightcommanderalenko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not the one to usually cook, Cassandra goes grocery shopping when M!Morgan is asleep. However, one cucumber and a lot of texting later, Cassandra realises that one really can find an innuendo anywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cucumber Incident (AKA 'Why Cassandra Cannot Be Trusted With Grocery Shopping')

**Author's Note:**

  * For [reellifejaneway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reellifejaneway/gifts).



Grocery shopping was an uncommon occurrence for Cassandra Davenport; it was almost as uncommon as her actually using the things she’d gone out to buy. However, on occasions when her boyfriend had passed out on their couch, venturing into the unknown – i.e. the grocery store – was completely up to her. She, thankfully, had gone to said store enough times to not get lost in the isles. The first time it had happened she had to ring Morgan and ask him exactly where everything was. He hadn’t let her live it down. Regardless, she was there now, a basket hanging off one arm and her hand bag hanging off the other, with a vague idea of the things that Morgan usually went out to buy.

That being said, either her boyfriend could read minds or he just had brilliant timing, because just as she thought about him and what food items he usually bought back from the store, her phone pinged with a new text message.

_Afternoon, beautiful ;) Where’d you get to?_

Cassandra had honestly wanted to be back before he woke up. It wasn’t often that she got to have a shower without Morgan, and she hadn’t had that almost-sacred time to herself in a while. Hell, she hadn’t shaved in almost a week; having an incredibly wet body pressed up against yours in the shower – one that belonged to your incredibly attractive boyfriend – was a bit of a distraction.

_Grocery store. How do you feel after your nap?_

She saw the three dots appear, then disappear, then appear again, and disappear again. This cycle continued for what seemed like an age, before one small word popped up on her screen.

_Hard._

Cassandra rolled her eyes. This was hardly news-worthy information. Sometimes she swore Morgan was lying about how old he was, simply because he seemed to get erections over nothing, and at least one every three minutes. He had the mentality of a teenager and the libido to match.

_And this is different from normal, how?_

_What can I say, you keep me in a constant state of suspense ;)_

Trust Morgan to say something as blatant as that and call it flirting. At least she would never be confused about what he wanted or when. Not that she ever had a problem with that; it was refreshing to have a boyfriend who wasn’t shy about sex, or about letting her know when he was feeling in the mood. Which was basically all the time.

_If it’s a ‘constant state of suspense’ like you claim, surely you could keep it up for another hour while I finish shopping._

A few seconds after she pressed send, Cassandra felt bad. As much as she liked teasing her boyfriend, essentially shutting him down when he’s – in his own way – offering sex when she gets home, was all kinds of rude.

_Maybe if you’re nice to me, I’ll come home earlier :3_

Cassandra knew that Morgan liked a challenge, and this sort of thing was right up his alley. He always enjoyed sending her risqué selfies – especially if he was as hard as his single word answer claimed. It would be interesting to see what picture would do it for her; the one that made her desperately want to get home to her boyfriend and his rather impressive body.

When Morgan didn’t reply, Cassandra couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed. She’d given him an opening – one for properly solicited dick pics – and he didn’t deliver. After two minutes of waiting and walking around the grocery, nearly walking into at least four different patrons, she gave up and put her phone back in her handbag.

When her phone eventually pinged with a replying message, Cassandra had almost found everything she’d thought Morgan may have wanted in their fridge. The only thing she hadn’t found yet were the vegetables, but that wasn’t surprising because they were the least exciting part of the entire list. It had only taken Morgan about fifteen minutes to reply, but when Cassandra opened the message, she could see why. It was a surprisingly beautiful selfie – an amazing balance between arousing and artistic. There was only a hint of erection at the very bottom of the picture, while the rest was abs, blanket, and a cheeky smile.

Honestly, Cassandra was a little annoyed about how nice the selfie was; not because she didn’t appreciate how amazing her boyfriend happened to look, but rather because she couldn’t adequately reciprocate in the middle of a grocery store. However, standing in the middle of the vegetable section of the store provided a convenient – and, in her opinion, hilarious – opportunity; one that she’d never experienced before.

_This is about your size, right?_

The corresponding picture she sent was of a rather decent-sized cucumber, with her hand wrapped suggestively around it. She had no idea how he’d react to the picture; hopefully with a) more well-appreciated selfies, or b) a phone call with him dying of laughter on the other end. Either of those would be a good response. However, he could also _not_ appreciate the image – however, knowing her boyfriend and his general lack of maturity, him not appreciating the joke probably wouldn’t happen.

_Babe, you KNOW that cucumber can’t move the way I do :P_

_True, but it IS harder than you, no matter how aroused you are._

His responding picture almost had Cassandra in hysterics in the middle of the vegetable isle. It was a picture of his face, his full lips turned down in a pout, with the caption _Don’t leave me for a cucumber_. He didn’t have to worry, though; she wouldn’t leave him – not even for an incredibly long and thick cucumber that rivalled him in every way.

_And the cucumber wouldn’t make me sweat all my makeup off. But you have nothing to worry about; the cucumber isn’t as tasty as you ;)_

Cassandra looked around. Seeing no one around to witness her, she sent him a responding picture of her licking the cucumber in much the same way she would if she were to go down on him. Unlike the previous picture, this one she knew exactly how he would respond to. It didn’t take much for Morgan to go from a normal level of arousal to _incredibly_ aroused, and her licking a phallic-shaped object would do exactly that. She wasn’t even sure if he’d last until she got home.

Like before, Morgan didn’t reply immediately. For a moment, Cassandra thought that her fears that her boyfriend hadn’t been able to keep his hands above his waistline had actually come to pass. However, when she’d paid for the groceries – including the slightly mishandled cucumber – and was half-way back to her car, her phone pinged with a new message.

_GET YOUR DIRTY PHOTOSYNTHESISED CELLS OFF MY GIRLFRIEND >:(_

Some lady gave Cassandra a dirty look as she burst into laughter in the middle of the car park, but she found that she really couldn’t bring herself to care.

_Look at it this way; isn’t it better that the cells are ON your girlfriend, not IN your girlfriend?_

She was sure that that would put an interesting image into Morgan’s brain. Not that he exactly needed any more interesting mental images of her in compromising positions; he already had more than a few of those. Then again, she had enough mental images of him in equally compromising positions, also, and wasn’t going to complain if she got more, either.

_I’m going to make you forget all about that fucking cucumber when you get home_

For good measure, once she got back to the relative privacy of her car, Cassandra unbuttoned the top few buttons of her shirt and shoved the cucumber in her cleavage. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant feeling, but knowing the reaction a selfie with said cucumber in said position would get out of Morgan, it was something she’d just have to deal with for a minute or two.

_Nothing could ever come between me and my new cucumber lover; not even you, Morgan ;)_

Once again, it took Morgan a few minutes to reply, and Cassandra was contemplating opening the bar of chocolate she bought while she waited.

_I think we can come to some kind of compromise here. Maybe a sandwich?_

Morgan really knew her too well. It was entirely unfair that he was such a good cook – unfair because she couldn’t keep up, but amazing because he loved it, and therefore she got amazing food all the time.

_You planning on making me food before or after you fuck me on the kitchen bench? Please say before…_

_Oh before. I’m going to use that cucumber in ways that’ll make your taste buds cry._

At least he’d considered using the cucumber that they hadn’t needed, nor wanted, before she’d decided to use it like she would him. It would have been disgusting to leave it behind for someone else, regardless of the fact that one is meant to wash their vegetables before eating them. And it also meant she was able to tease Morgan with the phallic-shaped vegetable for a little while longer. It really was a win-win.

_That was not an appealing visual, babe :P_

She could have been half-way home by now, but sitting in the car sexing her boyfriend – about a cucumber, of all things – was just as appealing. On one hand, the sooner she got home, the sooner she got at least one amazing sandwich prepared by her lovely boyfriend, and then at least one orgasm, also prepared by her lovely boyfriend. However, teasing him about a cucumber in the carpark of the grocery store was also a good option; the more aroused and riled up he was, the more likely it was that he would tease her within an inch of her life before finally snapping and fucking her on the kitchen bench.

_Is this better?_

The accompanying picture was yet another selfie, although this time in the kitchen – still shirtless – with a cutting board, knife, and loaf of bread in the background. He wore the same cheeky grin as he had in the very first selfie, like he knew exactly how much she liked it. Then again, Morgan wasn’t a complete idiot so he probably knew exactly how it made her feel.

_Because there’s food in the picture, yes. Don’t worry, though; me and my new cucumber boyfriend will be home soon ;)_

Cassandra, having had enough of all the teasing, shoved the key into the ignition. Her blue Cadillac roared to life, and in her current state of mind – all of her thoughts revolving around her cheeky-smiled boyfriend – she couldn’t help but wonder if they’d both be able to fit on the back seat. However, as her phone pinged one last time, she decided that that was an encounter to be had for another time.

All Morgan’s picture featured was a shot of his chest and one arm descending past the bottom of the frame in a manner suggesting that he was, most definitely, not hands-off now.

_Good. I’ll be UP and waiting for you ;)_


End file.
